One Method of Murder

So this blog is never used. But this is the only place I can put something where no one will see it. I am an emerging artist. Now the craft that I specialize in is acting. I am a second year university student. This year has been great for me. I have learned so much and I now know that this is what I want to do.

I have been lucky enough to be casted in two mainstages and to me that is an accomplishment unto itself. Also I have done smaller shows where I have been the lead and made them shine. There have been class projects that I have done that have a weight to them where people have given me recognition that I can do this. I have made so many strides these past years and I am so grateful for them.

Recently I had the greatest audition of my life for the Taking Flight Festival at the University of Calgary, where I am attending classes to get my BFA in acting. Now because of my limiting schedules I did not have a chance to read any of the scripts before acting. I know that this was the reason that it all blew up but hey, hindsight is 20/20. Now I placed on the audition sheet that I wanted The Box. But after having so much fun in my read as the Fool in Lear’s Daughters I knew that I wanted that role so badly. It was meant for me. It has now become a life goal of mine to at some point play a fool.

Now only recently did I find out the part I got. Literally 5 hours ago. Now I got into the Box. I am so happy it is a show with only two males, period. But I wanted the fool so bad that it sucks so much. And I have a friend who was sitting in on this because she is a directing student but I almost had the fool… The director wouldn’t fight for me. And that makes me so sad. I wanted it bad. I mean bad. But there isn’t much I can do. I talked casually to my voice teacher who is the instructor for these grad students that I wanted the fool. She even brought it up while they were deciding. And nothing… She just thought she was going to lose the fight over me. Not to mention I took the role from a good friend of mine who felt the exact same way I do about the fool. He wanted the Box so bad. Now he is stuck with a shitty director and I am with a good one in a role I kind of want? Moral of the story. Do your homework kids…

These days I feel like I hate a lot of things. I don’t exacly know why it is but there is like a cloud about me. There is this one scene I am doing that places me in one of the worst spots and moods I ever can be but I need to continue to do it because I promised a friend. That is one of the reasons for my sudden descent into the pits of hatred. Also there is this girl. I am crazy about her but I think that my feelings aren’t being returned but they are. Or she could just be leading me on. I have been burned like that before. I mean we had something weird last year and now it seems like it would be so easy and something fantaastic could come from it. But I doubt it is going to change anytime soon. So I will sit here listening to music with your arms wrapped around me, sitting wondering why… I just want to kiss her. I had this moment last monday and it was perfect but I hesitated because I don’t know if that it would have gone the way it should. Or the way I wanted rather. I just want it to be saturday…

I should have kissed you tonight.

Life’s unfair. There is no doubt about it. But for some reason life makes me want to blow my brains out, have them splatter all over a concrete wall. It brings you up so much. But in the back of it’s great plan, it’ll fuck you. 7 years. Wait maybe it’s 8. That’s a long time. It is almost half of my life. I can’t imagine what a normal life must be. That’s all I want to have for my future life. Normal. I want the classic American Dream. Wife and Kid. So that I don’t fuck them up like I am. I grew up real fast. I had to with an alcholic father and living in a hotel. My days consisted of seeing if I was going to eat at least once. I actually went 3 days. That was fun. I could’ve fucked off and left my mom. But I am a dumb ass and I love my mom. She was all that was there when I was young so I had to stay. I got my braces in grade 11. 4 years ago. Stopped getting them tightened after 1 year? I was promised that things would be “Okay.” Because I stayed my bank account and credit rating got fucked. I am financially blocked.  There is very little I can do unless I fix that. Still I was asssured that everything would be “Okay.” I know things are never going to be okay. Right now I am in University as a drama major. Following my dream. Probably should choose something to do with making money. But I’m not too smart as you can tell. I was assured that things would be “Okay,” and that I would have no troubles going to school this year. So I auditioned for the shows. I got in. Doublecasted. Surprised myself with that. You know what’s infinitely worse than not getting in. Telling them you can’t do it. Worse than that. Go to some of the rehearsals. Get to know everyone. Then tell them. That’s what I am doing tomorrow. Because I don’t know if I can make tuition. So I doubt things will be “Okay,” they haven’t been for 8 years. 8 years. 8 years. 8 years. So I have a feeling things won’t be “Okay,” because those words mean jack shit to me. I guess that I am just fucked.